Thursday, 7 July 2016

Post Brexit Blues

The fall out from recent European events continues to shake the UK. A new survey conducted today found a selection of 21-30 year old males regretted their recent decisions on exiting the E.U.:

"I just don't think the facts and ramifications were fully spelled out for me" said J. Hart of Manchester. "Had I known then, what I know now, I would have not gone with my floppy left hand to stop the ball. But Danny had bailed me out in the group stages and 'Arry assured me he was feeling in the zone, and would bag a hat full in the second half, "

Mr Hart was not alone in his anguish and regret. "Yeah, I did tell Joe that, H. Kane, 22, said ruefully. "I just got carried away with it all I suppose. All the chatter about England being the greatest country and all that, I thought we were invincible and there was nothing we couldn't achieve, you know, no matter how many long throws we didn't bother defending. Now, looking back, I realize the powers that be were feeding so much misinformation into the process, that instead of focusing on the key issues, I was left thinking I was great at taking corners".

It's a consistent theme and message that is heard over and over again amongst this age group, many of which feel let down by the older generation, who acted strongly to ensure that the UK jumped off the European boat quicker than a Boris Johnson leadership campaign. "Do I feel like the old folk screwed us? You're damn right I do", said R. Sterling, 19. "Thanks to their poor decision making and lack of compassion for the significant challenges facing the younger generation, such as how to bejewel my new sink, I'm now facing an uncertain future thanks to them. Before the summer, I had career choices and aspirations. They've all gone now, as everyone realises I'm a bit shit. Of course, people say, 'why don't you actually try to beat a man and actually keep the ball under control?'. And to that I say, nah... blame the old people."

The older generation obviously don't take such sentiment lightly. "Well, I just think it's short-sighted...all of this criticism saying this and that, there is no plan, there is no plan as to how we move forward", bemoaned R. Hodgson, 68. "And to that I say, what was the fucking plan while we were in Europe?? For heaven's sake, I brought 5 strikers and played most of them as wingers. I included Jordan Henderson in an international squad. Come on...! So yeah, there was no plan before, and there is no plan now. So nothing has really changed. Hodgson wandered off into the night, muttering, "it's not really my problem to solve anyway is it mate?" . Rumours he looks set for a future on the political arena have not yet been substantiated.

Yet amongst this backdrop of regret and despair, some remain unrepentant. And it's the key issue of immigration that is the driving force. "No regrets. No regrets at all mate." says G. Cahill, 30. "My mate, JT, is always educating me on foreign affairs - he seems to really have a good handle on that kind of stuff. And basically yeah, no foreigners please. As long we keep things English, it's all good mate. It's laughable, but if we do that, I've actually got a chance of keeping my day job. Now you open things up to a three legged donkey from Lithuania, and well... I'm probably on the bench with JT". 

But even on immigration, the underlying tone of regret and remorse pervades as we circle back with Mr Sterling. "Yeah, I think a lot of us are feeling a bit sheepish now. I didn't quite realise how much we all relied on the E.U.  I thought David Silva was from Bury, and Vincent Kompany was a Burnley lad. Turns out they're foreigners, and they make me look better than I actually am. So you can see the positive impact to the community they provide."

And as the nation continues to digest the historic events of these past few weeks, we spoke with J. Vardy, 29, who offered a succinct footnote to this complicated debate as we posed the question of how does a man in the street truly evaluate the medium and long-term economic toll of what has just happened? - "Huh? No idea what you're talking about mate. But did I tell you my agent negotiated my new contract to be paid in $USD? Chat Shit Get Banged!"

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